dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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