the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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