If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
