Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
