how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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