he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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