birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
