I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
