Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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