hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
A+ Viking dick
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
