he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
