Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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