I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
