I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
