She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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