Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
