remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
