I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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