my mouth tastes like poor choices
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
