Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
