Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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