I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
