also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
