The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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