you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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