Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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