Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
