My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
