Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
