My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
