I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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