I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
