Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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