i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I die, sorry about rent.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
