oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
