I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The power of my boobs compel you
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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