First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
