You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
