just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
