He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
