so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
