Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
