I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
