I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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