I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
