dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
