walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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