I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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