If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
