why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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