chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
